I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
