My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
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He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine