you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize