this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
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You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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