Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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