my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dignity is for republicans.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
