god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
