She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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