His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
