Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
