Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
