u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
