I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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