i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
