She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst