Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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