70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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