I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize