I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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