you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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