Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
