Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
