How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
