I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
