she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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