I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
