you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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