my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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