got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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