She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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