Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
