Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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