Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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