I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Bring me that man meat
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
