You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
