Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
