i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
