she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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