I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
