I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
