We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
