im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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