You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
