where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
