Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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