Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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