maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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