Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
