She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
