Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
