I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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