So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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