puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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