We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
