I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm at about main and main street
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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