I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Girls should come with a carfax report
bring money and cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found puke in my bra..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize