It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
